HOW?
by Song of the Black Wolf
Summary: Another meeting fic. We all know Levi is a terror not only on the battlefield, but also in meetings. He can get anyone to create havoc with him when he gets bored. Erwin is determined to keep Levi out of trouble this time - but is the great Commander really up to the task?


HOW?

Erwin had been dreading this meeting for three weeks now. It was the big annual meeting between all three branches of the military and the Royal Council. Normally, Erwin Smith, Commander of the entire Survey Corps, was in his element in these kind of meetings; but since Levi had been promoted to Captain and had been required to attend several meetings along with himself, Zoe Hanji and Mike Zacharias, meetings **_always_** ended in disaster.

Don't misunderstand. Mike and Zoe had always been a handful at meetings. They were titan slayers, ill suited to sitting still and listening to a pompous windbag spout bullshit. But then Levi was added to the mix and all hell broke loose. The former thug from the Underground was an irrepressible prankster. Worse still, this diminutive man of action was **_VERY_** easily bored. Erwin quickly learned that this was a disastrous combination – especially in meetings – an even more especially when Zoe and Mike were added to the mix.

They were barely entering the conference room and poor Erwin could already feel a headache coming on. _I used to look forward to these annual meetings and pitting my wits against the aristocracy._ Erwin strategically placed himself so that he was in the middle, with Levi on his left and Mike on his right. He then had Zoe sit on the far side of the table where he could see her clearly. _There. This ought to keep the trouble to a minimum,_ he thought proudly to himself as he mentally pat himself on the back for being so clever.

 _I bet old Eyebrows thinks he's real clever,_ Levi mused as he sat down beside his commander. _But I never take a bet I not 100% certain I'll win._ He glanced at the itinerary. _Good, that pompous asshole Lord 'I haven't had a good shit in days' Marcello is speaking third. Mike says the windbag will talk for up to two hours at least . . . always talks until at least noon break about nothing at all. Chances are I'll be banned from the meeting after noon break, so this is perfect all the way around._

As Mike had predicted, once Lord Marcello began talking, it was apparent he wasn't stopping anytime in the near future. After only a half an hour, Levi noted that even Erwin was looking a little glassy eyed as he drummed the unsharpened end of his pencil against his files on the table. Erwin even failed to notice Zoe making faces across the table from him.

Levi jotted down a note and passed in front of Erwin. **_Hey there . . . you okay? Looking a little shit faced over there. This constipated asshole must be even more boring than I thought if he's got_** **YOU** ** _glassy eyed._**

Erwin stifled a chuckle. **_Lord Marcello is hard for anyone to take – even me. Look over at Commander Dok – I think he might actually be asleep with his eyes open._**

Levi raised an eyebrow as he looked at the mentioned Commander Nile Dok of the Military Police Brigade. **_Are you sure he's even alive? I've heard of people being bored to death and he's awfully still down there._**

Erwin coughed as he choked on suppressed laugh. It might have ended there as the Lord drawled on and on and on – but Levi was far from done with his mischief.

He jotted down another note to his commander. **_I think Commander Pixis has found his happy place. That smile surely can't be a result of Lord Fuckface's speech about the evils of pickling cabbage._**

Levi was borderline shocked by the answer he got back (albeit the shock never showed on his face). **_I wish I had thought to bring a flask with me so I could go to my happy place. Perhaps a sunny hilltop with a lovely young woman by my side._**

 _Oh, this is too good,_ Levi thought as he passed an answer back to Erwin. **_Any young woman in particular?_**

 ** _No. Any single young woman will do._**

 ** _Creeper._**

Erwin smirked. **_Am not_**

 ** _Whatever. You pay for them or just charm them?_**

 ** _Who needs to pay? With my good looks and manners, finding a date is not a problem!_**

Levi almost snorted aloud when he read that. _Arrogant! I think I just hit a nerve, though._

 ** _What about Lady Ridderlock over there? She's a lovely single young woman._**

Erwin sighed. **_Okay, so not just ANY young woman will do. Ridderlock hasn't a brain in her bleached blond head. I need a woman I can at least carry on an intelligent conversation with once in a while. By the way, did you know her natural hair color is the most lovely shade of auburn?_**

 ** _Wait, I remember meeting her at the Christmas Gala. When you introduced me to her, I said 'How are you this evening?' and she answered with 'Mutual, I'm sure'. I wondered if she was deaf or just plain stupid._**

Erwin grinned at the memory from three months ago. **_More like she's a special kind of stupid. Even with all of her good looks and father's money, Lord Ridderlock can't marry her off to anyone!_**

 ** _So why the fuck is she here?! She's not seriously on the council, is she?_**

 ** _No. Her father just likes to show her off, hoping in vain that some man will like her looks enough to marry her in spite of her stupidity. Sadly, I don't see that ever happening._**

Levi decided to run with this line of conversation and see what he could provoke Erwin to do. **_So, what, did her nurse drop her on her head when she was a baby? Or is it all just an act to keep all those obnoxious pig suitors at bay?_**

Erwin raised a massive eyebrow. **_You give her FAR too much credit, Levi. The girl's reputation as Humanity's Dumbest is well earned. I'll demonstrate._**

Levi raised his own elegant black eyebrow as Erwin glanced up at the ceiling, then, taking a rubber band from around one of his files, flicked it at the ceiling where it ricocheted and landed on the girl's head.

 _HOLY SHIT! That was_ **NOT** _what I was expecting! I can't believe he actually just did that! This is going to be way easier than even I expected!_ Levi promptly scribbled out another note. **_Not bad. That shot was actually kind of impressive. Kinda surprised she didn't feel it hit her head. I mean, the rubber band is still there._**

Across the table, Zoe just sat with a look of utter shock at what she'd just witnessed and Mike sat beside Erwin silently laughing. Levi decided to up the ante, and fired a rubber band off his index finger and hit the girl in the left breast. The baffled man sitting beside her noticed the blue band of rubber zing past him, and gave a quick look up the table, but unable to identify the culprit, said nothing. Lady Ridderlock, however, seemed to be completely enraptured in Lord Marcello's speech which was currently about horrors of using too much salt.

 ** _Maybe she's just to genuinely fascinated by what Lord "I really need a good shit" Marcello is saying._** Levi wrote.

 ** _Maybe she's just that numb. Nice shot, by the way._**

 ** _Thanks._**

 ** _Watch this._** Erwin carefully aimed another rubber band he stole from Mike.

Even Levi had to fight to suppress a laugh and Zoe just outright snorted as the rubber band struck the Lady on the nose, then fell down into her ample cleavage. Levi and Erwin quietly high fived under the table. But then, all hell finally broke loose.

Erwin watched in complete horror as the results of his last rubber band unfolded before his eyes. The man next to Lady Ridderlock reached over to remove the red rubber band from between her breasts. She immediately stood, shrieked in indignation and slapped the offender. "How dare you touch MY perfect scoops of vanilla ice cream!" Her voice was shrill and annoying.

 _Tch! Did she seriously just call her breasts ice cream?_ Levi wondered incredulously.

"I-I-I'm so sorry m'lady," the man stammered as he stumbled back from her slap. Her chair had fallen as she suddenly rose, and the man's fell as well as he tried to back away from her.

"Do you know who **_I_** am? **_I_** am Lady Geneva Lenora Resonda Ridderlock!" she continued.

"L-L-Lord MacCarvy," the man stammered back.

"Mutual, I'm sure," she responded.

"Here, I'll p-p-p-put it back."

 _Holy shit!_ Levi thought. _Two idiots in a pod! If I weren't seeing it, I'd never believe it!_

As the hapless idiot placed the rubber band back in the lady's cleavage, she again gasped an indignant shriek and slapped him again, stuck her nose haughtily in the air and sat back down with a dainty "Hmph!" The problem lay in that her chair had fallen over and was no longer there. The scream she let out as she fell on her ass on the cold, hard floor was absolutely priceless. It was shrill, loud and absolutely hilarious.

The entire room roared laughing as the girl landed with her feet in the air and her ruffled white bloomers showing. She let out another shriek of pure rage. Erwin sat with his mouth agape as Levi swiftly went to the girl's side and silently offered her a hand up. "Such uncouth behavior towards a Lady," he commented without emotion.

Lady Ridderlock now showed her true colors. "Indeed. I thank you, kind sir. At least there's ONE gentleman in this room!" Her voice, once shrill and annoying, was now smooth and easy to listen to. "You pompous, arrogant, mediocre, vacuous swine! And father wonders why I refuse to marry!" With that, the girl stormed angrily out of the room, but not before stopping at the door, taking the rubber bands out of her hair and from between her breast and tossing them on the table. "And yes, I did notice these hitting me. I just didn't want to gratify such childish behavior with a response!"

Silence reigned after the slamming of the door when she left. It was Premier Darius Zackary that finally broke the awkward silence. "Well. I think now would be an excellent time to break for lunch. We will reconvene at 2pm."

Erwin didn't move from his seat. His face was red, his eyes wide and his mouth open slightly in horror. "Commander, you don't look so good," Levi commented dryly.

Erwin looked up at the diminutive captain in shock. "You . . ."

Levi raised an eyebrow. "Me?"

"You," Erwin repeated. "You did this. How did you . . . why did I . . . I mean . . . how? What is this power you have to . . . " The man pinched the bridge of his nose. "No. I don't want to know. Just . . . just go. You needn't come back at 2, Levi. You have the rest of the day off."

What Erwin didn't see was that once Levi, Zoe and Mike were out of the room, Levi held out his hand to the other two. "Pay up, you two. I won the bet. I made even the great Commander Erwin Smith mess up a meeting. I have to say, that went way better than even I expected."

Erwin stepped out of the room just in time to see Commander Dot Pixis of the Garrison pat Levi on the should and slap a wad of bills in his hand. "Well, Levi. You did it. I really didn't think you could. Hell, even I've never been able to get Erwin to loosen up in a meeting. That was pure genius. I'm thoroughly impressed, boy."

Erwin just stood there with his mouth open in shock as the four soldiers left the building. "How?"


End file.
